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I decide to launch into a story about our mutual friend, stopping only when it becomes quite clear I'm referencing the wrong mutual friend. Apparently I've been having a few too many chats with a few too many men in my outer circle lately. Tinder James speaks very softly and seems almost shy at first, until a surprisingly harsh bite of sarcasm punches in, knocking me a bit off-kilter. I respond by vacillating between inquisitive I'm sorry's, incessant rambling, and stilted laughter.

Because this is still Venice, we look over at one point to find ourselves seated next to a semi-decent friend of TJ's, and the friend's entire family. Everyone is just dying to know how we met! From the depths of silence that follow, you would think we had first locked eyes over a dead body or something. Tinder James eventually eeks out a, "We have a few friends in common Out on the sidewalk, I have absolutely no clue how this date is going -- and I'm usually pretty adept at gauging the waters. He suggests another quieter bar down the street.

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I take that as a positive. He likes cars and hates sports, so we have about zero things in common at this point, but as I always say, there's nothing that more liquor and even more conversation can't cure. Because quantity. And Venice. When the clock strikes midnight, he unexpectedly nudges to continue on -- and this Tinderella is never one to leave the ball early! And by small children, I mean college freshman.

This might be our cue to call it a night. Though it does feel like he's finally starting to loosen up. Back at the cars, TJ skips right over the kiss, and goes in for the full-on, old school, 30 minute makeout sesh. One of my favorite hobbies! Maybe we have more in common than I thought? Oh, right. That too. Still sighing.


I don't want to do this anymore. It's been five. And today's eHarmony Day. And it's just so bright and shiny and smug and judgy. I think we need to calm down here for a second. It's just a website. BBFF suddenly realizes he has to go, citing a call on "the other line". Because apparently it's still I take a deep breath, glare into my MacBook, and resign to get this last little sucker all set up. Out of all the sites, eHarmony takes the most rigidly scientific approach to matchmaking. First there's the profile, which boxes you in with awkwardly earnest fill-in-the-blank action:.

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Maybe I will when I'm 30? Maybe I'm not old enough for this site. When it comes to setting the parameters for your dream man, they stick pretty close to the basics. Age: Thirty miles is the shortest distance they'll allow you to select?? Anything over seven in LA might as well be a long distance relationship. Sidenote: There does appear to be a disproportionately large number of single men in Woodland Hills.

Wink wink nudge nudge, ladies. Finally, I get to the actual talking-to-people part.

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Sort of. There is, thankfully, no chat option available on eHarmony - though you can "send a smile", which sort of looks like one of those stickers your first-grade teacher used to give you for meeting your reading goal. There is also no quick message option. You pick five questions from their list of fifteen or so and send 'em over to your Prince ss Charming. In answering their selects, you can either choose from the pre-fab A-D or compose your own response.

I tend toward the latter as most of their options are a little cut and dry for my taste. Note: The above-pictured responses do not reflect the views of the author. I am always competitive. One question I include in my batch is, "What is your opinion on your mate having opposite sex friendships?

Meet the men of Really, guys, are you serious?

Second of all, I expect most men to quell their weirdly jealous side for at least the pre-first date formalities, but the replies I get range from, "It makes me uncomfortable" at worst to, "I'm comfortable with a few well-established opposite sex friendships" at best. These are pretty straightforward. You pick your top 10 from each list and send 'em over to compare and contrast. Kind of interesting, but fairly predictable. But then you take a deep breath and proceed to Dig Deeper. In this stage, you exchange three open-ended questions with one another.

You can create your own or select one of eH's, like, "Tell me about your closest friend. How long have you known them, and what do you like best about them? Really hope our friendship can recover. On the off chance you are both in any way, shape, or form still invested in this thing, you are now allowed to send a normal? The funny thing is, as tedious as eHarms' regimented communication feels, I find myself creeped out by the guys who "request to skip straight to eH Mail".

I mean, if we're here to play the game, we may as well play by the rules. Want to know your type? Match's cheap little cousin. Free, actually, which means there are about zero barriers to entry. This should be interesting. And Mad Libs. And I mean that in the creepiest way possible. The 'Staff Robot' forbids "full nudity, extreme close ups, pets, cars, baby photos, artwork, images you've added yourself to, etc. There goes my Instagram. Fortunately, they've taken no clear position on unenthusiastic model shots from horrifically cheesy Bravo reality shows.

Bottom row, center. Just trying to showcase my industrious nature?

Next up is the 'Questions' tab. According to co-founder, Christian Rudder , 50 percent of your OkCupid matches come from commonalities. They suss out said commonalities in this section via an optional series of make-or-breaks. These topics range from super basic Do you believe in showering, can you perform simple math calculations, would you date a smoker, are you a homophobe to super personal Would you have an abortion, what's your greatest motivation in life, how long do your romantic relationships usually last, how open are you with your feelings I decide to put that latter half on the back burner for the time being and head over to browse my matches.

Though height is capped at 6'4", which feels a little awkward -- almost as awkward as the "used up" body type option. I decide to let that one lie. According to OkC, , users are online right now.

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Holy mother of Hades. I brace myself for an onslaught of potential suitors. On a little bit of a mission here. Perhaps my inbox will yield some unexpected gems?? Unlike Tinder, you don't have to give a green light to someone before they are allowed to message you. It's more just sort of a lot of Cheesy pick-up lines, corny jokes, false bravado, intrusive questions If anything, it nails home the fact that hitting on girls is really, really hard for some guys -- usually because they're trying too hard.